So I was really inspired by this Atmosphere track and decided to do my own version of the song. Here's the original: Atmosphere - Yesterday
Here's my version, to the instrumental of course Yesterday (Instrumental)
Dedicated to my favorite lady. :)
(Also if you read this at all, read it till the end) :)

VERSE 1:

 I often wish, you'd come to my front door/

Just so I can say hello to you again once more/

They say I'm clingy, I say they're misconstrued/

Is it really a surprise that I'm truly missing you?/

You knew me at a younger age, boy am I so different/

If only you could listen to my dreams and all my visions/

You'd be so proud, I have no doubt about it/

I'd have you back in the house if it meant it being crowded/

Our time spent together, nothing will compare to it/

Its just too bad that it came to a terminus/

You had so many friends I could hardly keep track of it/

Who still love you too the result is all too flattering/

My favorite memory would have to be the following/

Feeding the swans followed by us simply wandering/

The promises are gone that you had made to me/

You'd be there if I need just that was so okay to me/

HOOK:

Tomorrow, will you come back to me?/

I'm missing you and so does my family/

Waiting for you, holding it anxiously/

Or am I wasting time on these here fantasies?

[x2]

VERSE 2:

Not always present, I realize that in hindsight/

Was blinded by your smile to me it was dynamite/

A memory of your laugh lingers in my eardrum/

It paints a pretty picture every time that I hear one/

You introduced me to my life and all the good music too/

Its usable to me in times that I'm feeling blue/

I think of you, every time I put the record on/

Flip it over more times than theres sides on a hexagon/

Taught me how to eat right and taught me how to be nice/

Organic vegetables bringing pancakes to a knife fight/

Its what I miss the most, you had a sense of humour too/

You'd make me laugh every time even when they were unusual/

Thanks for the lessons they gave me a good attitude/

Was stopped in my tracks when I saw you on the avenue/

But was that you? Or is my mind playing tricks?/

If only it was, wouldn't that have been spontaneous?/

HOOK:

Tomorrow, will you come back to me?/

I'm missing you and so does my family/

Waiting for you, holding it anxiously/

Or am I wasting time on these here fantasies?

[x2]

VERSE 3:

One day you left, there's not much I coulda done/

Its not like I can go out and just find me another one/

But I saw it coming and I hate to admit it/

I simply feel like some things were left unfinished/

Was angry when you left, its not like it was my fault/

And not yours either infected wounds with sea salt/

You walked out the front door I'm speaking metaphorical/

Deplorable conditions leaving me so horrible/

I'm not blaming you so please don't misunderstand/

I'd have you back in a flash walking in a wonderland/

I'm wondering if this could be an actuality?/

And if that was the case would it even be normality?/

Well actually, would you even like me now?/

I drink alcohol and do things I'm not allowed/

I rotate records some of them are off beat/

And pour my drink out for you on the dry concrete/

You gave me scars but you made me a better kid/

If heaven is a thing I know you're in there blessing it/

My biggest regret was probably never telling you/

"I love you mom", but all along you knew it too/

HOOK 2:

[Today will you come back to me]

I'm missing you and so does your family/

A tragedy that you left us so rapidly/

At least you're happily hanging out there in the galaxy/

We Are All Shellfish, Sea What I Did There?

Are we all selfish?

Really though, why does anybody do somebody else a favour? (Good grief this is already making me sound like a horrible individual). Is it because of some moral gratification? Is it because we think we'll be divinely rewarded? (Whatever that may mean?) Is it because we have been taught to do so?

When doing somebody a favour, it usually also entails slightly inconveniencing yourself, so really why do we do so in the first place? Most of us have been raised in a way where we were taught that lending a helping hand is the right thing to do. Thus, from infancy we have had this idea embedded in our brains that helping out is simply what's expected. If this was not the case would people be as willing to help out? One can only imagine.

I think a large part of it has to do with the concept of knowing that helping somebody out when they are in trouble or could simply use an extra set of hands is progressive for everybody involved. The idea that by lending a hand or leg we are bringing a greater number of people to a slightly (or bigger) level of comfort and well being. But are we doing it for the right reasons? Is there a right and wrong reason to begin with? Does the extent to how much we help out make a difference at all?

Many have argued that our actions are driven by our selfish  nature. The argument claims that when an individual does a favour for somebody else he/she does so only to be justified by a good, warm, fuzzy feeling of "doing the right thing". That would already counter the idea of doing somebody a favour, because the intentions of doing so are arguably misconstrued.

"Are we all selfish", is really not a question I believe I can answer. Take it how you want, but I find the idea and examples behind such an argument fascinating. 

"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live." - Oscar Wilde

Lava Lampin' With Flavour

Have some more results of my "twisted" mind. I realize some of these rhymes may make me sound like I think I'm the chosen one, but I like the wordplay and where some of the words/ideas stem from so deal avec (with) it.

Been riding the J Dilla train as far as instrumentals go lately. There's just something about writing to them that makes it so fun. Also there's a fair amount of references to people, music and books in here which made sense to me when I wrote it (and still continue to make sense), but they may not be clear to everybody. Do look up Otis Jackson Jr. though, I was serious about that.

Jaylib - The Red (Instrumental)

Case of writers block, look in children's books for big words/

Can't find a dictionary now my thoughts are just a mixture/

Its The Red,  I'm surprised you haven't heard yet/

Dilla's in the donutshop that's how my mind is working/

I'm short of a dime can't even order Timbits/

They're fueling these lines and n-now I am limping/

Cognac in the back, with the Prozac and Kodiak/

Gulden Draak in the flask as snacks I'm a maniac/

I sat in the back of my shack with insomnia/

Attack the maniac with smacks for schizophrenia/

Beat be beautiful, big shoutout to Jay Dee/

Deejay these donuts back and forth as of lately/

Its the Champion Sound, may I say at least a third of it/

Google Otis Jackson Jr. I'm shocked you haven't heard of him/

Put the record on, the needle touch the vinyl/

Needles in my leg the insulin is mine though/

Chills down your spine, nails on a chalkboard/

Butterflies in your stomach after swallowing a cockroach/

Spit more bars, than there's half pints in 'em/

Attract unstableness and half pipe women/

I'm a Cannibal Ox, you can ask the pastor/

All you'll get is eerie feelings and a sense of Vast Aire/

Menacing like Dennis, when he's rhetoric/

My confederate bike ride by its unsettling/

Calvin's bicycle, but Hobbes always got his back/

Imagination wild to some he's a maniac/

There's Treasure Everywhere gotta open up your eyes/

Bill Watterson did and look who struck a goldmine/

A Kind of Kind

This isn't really an essay type entry of sorts, but more of an observation really. There is a saying, "its the little things in life [that make it great]",  I have just kind of shrugged off that concept for a while. But to be honest, those are words of wisdom. People run around chasing that number 1 spot, chasing the dollar, chasing their dreams, chasing their goals but is all that running around really getting you in shape? Sure I think it can be beneficial to set goals for ones self, but if you can't enjoy the route there, then it seems to me like its a lot of stress and unease for a small or big reward. Say the reward is big after all, is it really worth all the blood sweat and tears? Wait a minute, I may be a little bit dramatic here. It is not to say that you're either going to be miserable if you don't always enjoy the little things. I think its about finding the appropriate balance between having goals and enjoying those "little things" - that is also not to say that the two cannot be combined. What is that appropriate balance? I think that is something everybody needs to determine for themselves. Everybody runs at their own pace and grinds on their own gears. Where am I going with this? I think the saying "its the little things", can be slightly misunderstood, or fractionally understood for the potential it has. The little things don't always need to be the little things around you, it doesn't all need to be observed from one's own perspective. You can add to those little things for others and I think this is really where the magic happens. For example, say hello to somebody you walk past on the street or path you are on. There is this one elderly gentleman who I sometimes pass when I go for a bike ride. He is often working on the garden at Klahanie Park, and is more often than not already talking to another passerby. Every single time, (please note) EVERY SINGLE TIME! I have passed by him he has always said hello or asked how I was doing with the warmest smile that could easily melt the coldest heart. Even when I am speeding by he takes the time to lift his head from the weeding that he is doing at the time to simply say hello. And it puts me in such an awesome mood every single time! If I'm not feeling the greatest it cheers me up, if I feel great it makes me feel excellent. These are the types of things I am talking about. It may not take a lot for this gentleman to do this, but its a "little thing" and I wish I could tell him how awesome I think that he is. One day I just might.

It saddens me to think that doing favours for others can sometimes be considered "weird" in today's society. I feel like everybody wants to be different but nobody wants to stick out. Take for example the following scenario: somebody is in need of help in front of a large group of people, but nobody is quick to lend assistance. When somebody is in need of help and there are only one or two spectators, often those two spectators are very quick to respond. Studies have been conducted about these very instances. The results have shown that when people are in front of a larger audience they feel intimidated to do anything even when it comes to helping somebody who is in desperate need of support. How mind boggling is that, really?! I think this goes hand in hand with helping others enjoy the little things in life, because if humanity as a whole (this is generalizing obviously) is too proud help out at the cost of standing out, then we have a serious problem to fix!

"There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it." -  Edith Wharton

Watch the Flowers

No that is not a Walking Dead reference. Its a reference to my backyard because there are nice flowers there. Ah springtime.. 

Anyhow been riding the inspirational wave these past couple of days and I'm hoping to keep it going. Wrote a few more words/bars/rhymes/poetry/whateverthisis today and figured I'd share. Preferably done over this J Dilla instrumental because the man is a genius. 

J Dilla - In The Night/While You Slept (I Crept)

Resting in the armchair, I dance to my own requiem/

Destroy all that's beautiful so that I can be the next of kin/

We've all been through everything, no-ones got no more sympathy/

Conduct collaborations but we all beat to our own symphony/

Open up your ears man its right there in front of you/

You listen with your eyes and that is why its troublesome/

A rose of any colour only blossoms one time/

Focus on the flower, but feel like the thorns in the side/

Blinded to the bigger picture, we walk around dreaming/

Hearing all the headlines but are deaf to all the screaming/

Grab your nearest weapon, then grasp the hate around you/

Make it retaliate because you gave that fuck a pounding/

We ain't got it figured out, we all like to give advice/

Its sure a nice image when we think our life is right/

Oh you got it figured out? That's a never ending quest/

I'll just say peace to my buddies because of them I'm blessed/

YES!

Peace to all my buddies! :)

Lets Break Barriers, But Don't Take Offense

Why are people selectively offended? 

Let me clarify. 

I seem to notice that people take offense much easier to certain things, subjects and/or people than with others. Take music for example. Now, I listen to a lot of hip-hop music and I love the stuff. But fairly enough, the subjects which are addressed may not always be PG-13, but that's why I fucking love it so much as well. (Whoops didn't mean to offend you). One thing I always hear is that all rap music is about is drugs, money and shit talking women. Sure some of it may be, but I suppose that is the diversity of the music. You get some positives with the negatives. Let me get back to the point - so if hip-hop music is indeed offensive to you for the reason that its about the aforementioned subjects, then why does a lot of mainstream music not affect you in the same way? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I often find that the top 40 songs can be just as "offensive" as some hip-hop music. However it feels that people just tend to be more easily offended by the rap artists. Why is that? Is it a class thing? Is it subconscious racism - let me explain. Hip-hop has for a long time been a predominantly black culture. That is not to say that I believe it should be exclusive only to a certain race. I do question though whether that is sometimes a part of it that people will never admit to? Say if a group like Cypress Hill creates a song about smoking weed (yes they have a fair amount), why would that be any more offensive than The Beatles singing one of their drug ballads? Is it because the Beatles never said, "fuck" on any of their records? Is it because the Beatles played the guitar, the drums and sang their songs? Is it because Cypress Hill dresses in baggy clothing? Is it because Cypress Hill uses slang in their rhymes? Is it because Cypress Hill says "fuck", "shit", and "nigga"? Really though, if that is the case then why do these same people watch movies about all the same things? Somehow the word "fuck" becomes less offensive when Johnny Depp uses it? 

One thing I've noticed, is people seem to find comfort in being offended. Its as if it gives them some moral high-ground. The idea of not associating one's self with such low cultures as hip-hop culture is somehow rewarding. Sure you don't have to enjoy the hip-hop culture, or listen to rap music, however being ignorant to it is another thing. 

I have used hip-hop music as an example because I feel its something I am comfortable speaking about and know enough about to validate my arguments. Although really it can be applied to anything. Take for example the way an individual dresses and the way people respond to that accordingly. I have noticed that when I dress "nicely" in a collared shirt, more tight fighting (not talking skinny here) jeans, dress shoes and no hat of any sort people are much more friendly to me. I like to say hello to people when I pass them in the street or trail, especially when its not a busy pathway. However I've noticed that when I am dressed up in a baggy hoodie, my jeans are rolled up, I'm wearing big boots, sunglasses, and have my snapback tilted to the back people almost avoid me at all costs - perhaps for their own safety? (hahahaha). Yet when suited up in attire #1 people often will approach me and say hello. Again, why is that? Does my outfit offend you? Does it make you feel uneasy? When making a judgement about something - to the point we are offended by it before even giving it a chance. This is a barrier I think we as a society need to break down.

“It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more... than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so fucking what." - Stephen Fry

All Due Respect, But Do They Really?

So I've been playing the Run the Jewels and RTJ2 albums by.. Run the Jewels a whole lot lately. And I can easily say I'm very impressed by El-P and Killer Mike. I didn't like the albums at first but [Owen Wilson voice] WOOOOOW! 

It definitely sparked some creativity (if you can call it that?) and I wrote this piece to this instrumental. It may be a little "edgy" for some, especially if you know me as that friendly white kid who doesn't say bad things ever. I usually don't agree with written words without hearing them be performed, because performance is over half of it in my opinion. But here you are anyways:

All Due Respect (Instrumental) - Run the Jewels

Ain't no mystery, mister please/

Run through your click like a dick disease/

Ol rickety Mr. Freeze/

Shoots your chick yelling Mr. Freeze/

Double words, Imma use two times/

Then plow through grime like a porcupine/

Take my time, with these lines/

Then snort em through my brain and into mind/

Check out my life see what I've made/

I play with pins like a hand grenade/

Voodoo doll, he needs first aid/

Give em a syringe he can't evade/

In the dark, Stanley Park/

Stanley Cup's hard like the snark/

Biggest bite, yet bigger bark/

I fuck shit up like Christy Clark/

That ain't right, that ain't nice/

Some misinterpret my whole life/

That's alright I'll incite/

A riot for the times 'cause it just might/

Fuel the rage, fuck I'm out the cage/

S-O-S bitch I'm out the way/

Not surprised he is amazed/

Told me to be blunt so now I'm blazed/

On the run, grab the gun/

Bust some shots its just begun/

Jimmy's song, yeah thats the one/

I snatch your wife but she weighs a ton/

Getting dumb, on this track/

Frankenstein's chillin' in the back/

Grabbed the sack and smacked the mack/

Wouldn't chill with Phil 'cause he's a quack/

A stupid kid, doing ruthless shit/

I'm 21 and you's a bitch/ 

Take the hint, I won't be skipped/

Do whatever my mind permits/

Its getting there and its unstable/

Changing places I turned the table/

The vinyl's mine its not a fable/

Drapes match the rug like Anne of Green Gables/

I don't run around I run the jewels/

Cuban Linx chillin' in the pool/

Fools do drool, I'm too bejeweled/

Straddles two conts like I'm Instanbul/

Sorry?

Pilot

"Hi there", followed by an awkward hybrid handshake/fistpump//pound/highfive. "What's your name?", before they can even begin, "My name is Doryan." 

"Nice to meet you Jordan, my name is [insert name I will likely forget soon]". 

"No its Doryan, kind of like Dorian Grey." 

"Who?"

"Yeah I think so.." wait what did they say?

Ugh..

Is it safe to assume that most of us have gone through a similar scenario when it comes to introductions? Unless of course you are some super-social role model superhero who gets all the ladies/men/both - hold on there, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Something that has been popping up a lot recently for me has been the topic of anxiety, specifically social anxiety. And that is something I want to get into (wait that didn't sound right..) What exactly is social anxiety and where does it stem from?

Lets first get the definitions of these two established. According to the google definition (who uses dictionaries anymore anyways?), anxiety is defined as follows: 1) a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. 2) desire to do something, typically accompanied by unease. 3) a nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks. The definition of social is: 1) relating to or designed for activities in which people meet each other for pleasure. 2) an informal social gathering, especially one organized by the members of a particular club or group.

Now that we are all enlightened with these definitions, let us (me) continue. It seems to me that more and more people claim to be or are anxious, but is this a term to be so loosely thrown around? Sure we've probably all experienced some sort of social anxiety, but at what point should it still be labeled that? Is labeling things really the right approach when assessing certain situations? I am purely speaking from personal experience here, but I have noticed that a lot of how I live and react to certain things stems from the placebo effect, as much as I hate to admit that. The placebo effect ultimately means that I form my thoughts around things I hear, to the point that it almost seems like my mind is determining how I live. Let me use an example to clarify: all my life I hear from several outer sources that the music I listen to is bad for me, I start to believe that it is to the point where evidence would almost suggest that it is. In reality it isn't the music which is negatively influencing me, its the people and campaigns that are. I feel as though this is often a similar situation when it comes to social anxiety. As I mentioned before, we probably have all experienced a little bit at varying degrees but I believe that it is all dependent on how one handles the idea of social anxiety. If somebody were to constantly hear about such things and then start to experience them, wouldn't that sort carve his/her mindset into believing that she/he may indeed be socially anxious? I am no doctor, and have no medical background, however I do believe that everybody's mind works slightly differently, so to come up with symptoms to define such a "disability" is a little bit insensitive. At what point is it too much? 

Not to sound like a hipster or anything, but I think that a lot of the problem has to do with the media. And to some degree social media. Standards and expectations are only created in the mind, and I think that the higher that these are built the higher the chance of social anxiety disorder becomes. What goes up must come down right? Lets use media as an example here - more specifically television. One of my biggest problems with television is that everything that is done on screen is often clearly filmed in several takes, and edited to look a very specific way. You see Cary Grant smooth talking Audrey Hepburn and 95% (not pulling that number out of the air or anything..) of the time it all works out in the end. There's stories about these characters who never have issues knowing exactly what to say. Guess what? There's such a thing as another take. Should we not be allowed another in life? Some people grow so concerned about saying the wrong thing that nothing is said at all. I've been there.

Something I feel needs to be tossed out of the window are those godawful lists like, "26 things every twenty year old needs to do", or "11 places you need to visit before you're forty", or "things only introverts and/or extroverts can relate to", or "things all men/women need to know".. I digress. I don't know this for a fact, but I assume that for somebody who is already struggling with social interaction, these sorts of lists really aren't doing any good. "Oh no, I haven't been blackout drunk before, I must be living my life the wrong way." Checking off everything on these horrible lists is like a dog chasing its own tail. It may take a long time, perhaps his/her whole life to reach it, and when the dog finally has, then what? Maybe some temporary feeling of achievement, but it'll get boring fast I'm sure. Ugh, now I feel like I'm being hypocritical because I'm almost lecturing others on how to and how not to live their lives. If these lists resonate with you, then by all means, keep reading them and checking off those bucket lists. However don't be discouraged because you're already in your mid twenties and haven't been in a threesome. That being said, I have made my own lists in the past that I tried to check off whilst traveling: Road-Trip Bucketlist & Euro-Trip Bucketlist. That was for my own enjoyment/challenge and in no way should resonate with anybody else or become a competition.

Something I have noticed myself is that a lot of the subject at hand has to do with how I perceive interaction. I at one point thought I was maybe socially awkward. Now I think that's ridiculous. Traveling may have aided me to overcome such concerns and for that I am thankful. But even since I have returned, there have been situations where I simply don't know what to say and feel myself falling back into that trap of "social anxiety". Fuck that! Excuse my language. Actually you know what, don't excuse my language because there I go again being concerned about what others think about what I have to say. Sure you can put in a lot of effort trying to make yourself respected or make yourself look respectful, but at what cost? At the expense of filtering anything that may be controversial? I hardly get into trouble because of things I say, sounds great right? But is it? There is definitely something liberating about putting in your two cents. That, however, is not to say go out and offend as many people as possible just to seem outspoken. Society seems to want to try and mould everybody into a certain type of person. An outgoing type of person. An extrovert. An adventurer. A, "look guys, I'm doing stuff" type of person. Why? Is it wrong to not all have to be that "individual"? I'm all about getting out of your comfort zone and trying new things for it has created amazing experiences for myself. However I also don't believe in the fact that if you don't you are somehow less interesting. This is the type of garbage that creates anxiety in the first place. I can't believe how many great people I have spoken to who have claimed at one point or another to have struggled with some form of anxiety. I honestly never would have guessed! What does this suggest? Is it wrong of me to say that I think a lot of this stuff is just built up in the mind? That is not to say that I don't see it as an actual condition, however I do feel that it is thrown around too easily. 

What are my experiences with social anxiety? I have for a long time been quite quiet, and not always sure why. I am also a diabetic and when I have a low blood sugar, social interaction to me becomes a huge challenge, but that is another story on its own. I thought that this somewhat converted to my every day interactions when I wasn't affected by my condition. I questioned how much of it I could blame on other things beyond my control, how much of it was built up in my mind, and how much of it I actually had a "real" problem with. I never have actually told anybody this and maybe putting this online for anybody to see may not be the greatest thing to do. But hey, it honestly does not make a difference to me who knows and who doesn't. Because in the first place, wouldn't not saying something just add to the problem? I also don't think that I am socially anxious, I think that's kind of a ludicrous label to place onto myself. 

In conclusion, I feel that social interactions don't need to be taken so seriously. Don't live your life based on other people's suggestions - instead learn from them. Assess your own life and situation. Don't let a movie about somebody with everything figured out be discouraging. Make your own decisions - and from that idea, don't even listen to anything I've said or say. After all, what do I know?

Sorry if I sound very uninformed, as I said, this is just a piece of my mind, I would love to have somebody explain things to me, or to have somebody say something about anything really. After all, this may just be a jumble of scattered thoughts strewn on paper (monitor).